Sometimes things like this happen when I go running…
Please enjoy (but SERIOUSLY PLZZZPLZ!!!1!!1 I quite painfully injured my butt doing cartwheels for this, and only your enjoyment will render my broken, torn posterior worth it) as my severe colleague/hauntingly dead-in-the-glaring-eyed friend/Russian alter ego shares her wisdom on some little known but highly useful running techniques in a variety of every day scenarios, including slumbering bears, husband hunts and pistol poppin’ gangstas.
Привет, sup homeys, salut les potes – it’s me, Katya, comin’ atcha live from Moscow, the bizarre, magical world that I’ve been lucky enough to call my home for the past three months. Now, I realize that I have severely, sickeningly neglected this blog to the point that, when I attempted to log on to my WordPress account, I was hurled obscenities and threatened with various forms of retribution, including banishment to Azkaban, public ridicule in the pillory, no ice cream for a decade, etc etc – BUT I must point out that I haven’t written not because I’ve had nothing to say, but, quite the contrary, because I’ve had too much to say; I’ve been completely, entirely distracted by the strange, glorious adventures and odd, hilarious experiences of everyday life here, and haven’t gotten a chance to catch mah golly forsaken breath to write it all down. For that, I am deeply sorry. So here is a redemption post, which documents this past weekend spent in Saint Petersburg, and maybe now all will be forgiven and I can keep eating ice cream far from the chilly presence of pesky dementors and the stockade?? Я остаюсь с надеждой.
***
I should start off by explaining that, despite a maddening knee injury and an upset, wrathful IT Band, my track team and best Russian homey Masha and I decided to hit up Petersburg last weekend with the goal of running a half marathon. Upon mentioning our plan offhandedly to my track coaches a few days before taking off, they were neither amused nor in favor of this tomfoolery (can’t imagine why) and forbid me from running (again, cannot imagine why), so I planned to simply walk/limp it, Crippled Katya style.
Anywhooo Masha and my weekend started off rather unconventionally – that’s to say, with a mildly panicked, slightly clandestine 2:09 am train ride up north to St Pete’s. The “mild panic” was the result of the train officials almost refusing to allow me onto the train, some hullaballoo about my passport identification not being legitimate…
I simply cannot comprehend how they could deem this crumpled ghost face as an unacceptable form of i.d. Mind blowing.
So, after explaining that the international registration office has kidnapped and been holding my passport hostage for the past six weeks, and that I’m just a poor, knee-gimped gal trying to defy all odds and run a half marathon and, above all else, with the help of Masha and her boyfriend (at one desperate point, all of us, including the tiny train attendant lady sprinted as best we could with our bags and my busted knee the entire length of the train, which was unfortunately around 20007 kilometers long, to consult with the Bossman “Начальник” of the train, as the sweet little attendant shrieked all the way, “БЫСТРЕЕ БЫСТРЕЕ!!!! [faster faster!!]” at us), we ultimately persuaded the train staff and captain (I don’t think this is what you call a train’s leader??), himself, to let me on board, but only as a despicable illicit clandestine – they literally swore Masha and me to secrecy, never to tell a soul of these merciful acts. They also warned me that I would probably never be allowed to return to Moscow with my wrinkled, phantom passport copy. So, it was an all in all promising start.
At least things started looking up when we arrived to Saint P-burg, and it immediately started snowing on our sleepy faces, and my shoulders broke in half as I carried my duffel bag, realizing that 275 pounds of clothing is perhaps unnecessary for a weekend trip, and Masha discovered that she’d left her official race documentation in Moscow. Oh wait…………….. But it’s cool, y’all, because anything and everything is possible in Russia, and all of our problems were soon resolved: after that silly joke with the snow, the sun popped out for the rest of the weekend, I simply grew new shoulders, and we found a copy center willing to print Masha a photoshopped race “справка” document (after we were rejected at the first couple of nerdy, “play by the rules” centers). So, after averting a few casual catastrophes, we spent the rest of the day feasting and walking hundreds of kilometers around the beautiful city that is Santo Pedrosburg. Of our discoveries, my personal fave is the Petersburg “Chocolate Museum,” which took us decades to locate, probably because it was literally a single tiny stand manned by one employee, offering a small array of truffles and some strange large chocolate squirrels and motorcycles…I’m not sure…I don’t….there are no words…… Sadly, I failed to take a photo of this jaw-dropping display.
Since I don’t have a pic of chocolate squirrelies n motorbikes, here is an equally spectacular photo of one of the sites seen in this snazzy city (reminds me of Notre Dame’s dome)
Race day = an early morning and a delicious breakfast of home-brewed Kasha à la Masha aka MMMMMMM. After our power feast, we headed off to the race, which I planned to walk like a hobbling, gloopy slug and Masha planned to dash like redbull-infused lightning. We both fulfilled these goals. Although, my performance ended a tad prematurely, and somewhat shamefully, as, after around six or seven kilometers, what I presumed to be a stalker bike man began to tail me closely and eventually explained to me that I was in last place and that it might be a good idea to vacate the premises immediately since apparently slow pedestrian injured gals are not welcome at such events ;( I protested at first, but then it just got too embarrassing, and I quickly shuffled away into the shadowy horizon, never to be seen or heard from again. Imagine a single tear… rolling down down down my cheek….hehehe but NAH mane, it was no big dealio. I don’t know the meaning of shame, so I just hung ten for awhile, found some free redbull, did some dignity-rebuilding lunges and waited for Masha to finish (which she did in approximately 2.75 seconds :D). The one good thing about being forcibly escorted off of the race track was that everyone seeing me walk around with my race number thought that I’d finished the race SUUUUUUPER quickly, and they were all like, “AAAAHHH WOW молодец, well done, number one female runner!!!!!!!!” My 15 minutes of fake fame. Glorious.
Post-race galzz (МОЛОДЕЦ ЕЩЕ РАЗ, МАША))))) )
The rest of the dizzay was spent exploring the city and walking 2073 more kilometers around town, sipping hot wine like fancy ladies, exploring secret art parks, crossing sunset-lit bridges of magic and gold, and, of course, hitting up a (literally) hAwT bar where they, for some reason, enjoyed setting the bar on fire every hour or so. I never figured out the logistical mechanics of this stunt, but I think we can rule out gasoline-dousing as a technique due to the lack of fumes. Some mysteries go forever unsolved. Что делать.
It goes without saying that we spent the entire night out painting the town, spending the first few drinks and delectable dessert-feasting with Pasha, our track team homey, and his wife, and then cabbing over to that pyromania bar I’ve already mentioned for some fiery festivities (heh). Because we are insomniac warriors who require no sleep, we decided it would be a good idea to buy 5:30 am train tickets home to Москва, so we proceeded directly and seamlessly from party mode to coffee/morning/train mode. Below is proof of our graceful, seamless transition:
WE ARE BOTH JUST BLINKING – THE CAMERA FLASHED AT THE WRONG MOMENT OK? it’s nbd
And now, I must bid you all “до свидания!” as I hear some angry babushkas rapidly approaching (I think I’m sitting at an off limits table – THERE WILL BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES IF I DON’T FLEE). Don’t be alarmed. But fo real, I’ve got to run, so until next time, which I very much hope will be in the near future. Пока пока))
Privyet from Mother Russia, where, I’ve recently discovered, there is a wizarding school by the name of Koldovstoretz, not to be confused with Durmstrang (which is actually located in Bulgaria and not Russia?!?!) Like Hogwarts, this esteemed Koldovstoretz Institution has apparently lost my gah damn letter of invitation in the mail, so I haven’t had the chance to become a wizard yet. I’ll become a Russian in the meantime.
Anywhoo, I severely (SEVERUSly**) digress. It’s come to my attention that I haven’t written a single blasted blog post since I arrived to Moscow three weeks ago, and this needs to be remedied. Life here is pretty much infinitely bizarre and riddled with hilarious, nonstop idiosyncrasy, so I think I’ve been too occupied by da entertaining adventures and angry babushkas to sit down and write about it all.
Unfortunately, I’m unwilling to sit here for the next 27 hours recounting all that’s gone down so far (my fingers would get so pissed YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW omgah), but here are some of the highlights:
This is the palace where I live. Apparently, I’m a pretty big deal here, and they’ve named me Tsaritsa Katya of Moscow State University – it’s mainly a symbolic role, kind of a “Queen of England” gig, but I can’t say I’m not flattered.
Below is a small video tour of my regal inner dwellings:
I tried to tell them, like, “Look guys, I’m just a normal person like everyone else – I don’t need all this special treatment; I’m a simple girl with simple tastes,” but they just wouldn’t have it and insist on treating me like a Tsar, so I mean, whatever, who am I to complain amirite?! ehehe
Also, I have my own personal bank, which is pretty snazzy:
All in all, life is Russia is quite good. Castles and royalty aside, I’m loving it here – the food on campus has defied vastly my expectations (in a good way, aside from the surprise cow tongue I once found in my salad), the people are quite nice (even the patrolling babushkas who like to invade my room while I’m showering, hoping to lecture me about the dangers of fire, replacing refrigerators with chairs, offering me chocolates – it keeps me on my toes, and I never have any way of knowing what’s coming next…I can’t help but visualize a babushka breaking down my door with an axe, screaming “Heeeeeere’s Johnny”/”Воооот Жонни”….Omgahsuchnightmarezbutthey’reactuallyreallysweetladiesISWEAR)
(Above is visual documentation of the subtle refrigerator swap that went down about a week ago)
Another magical element of Moscow Life has been the track team that I joined a couple of weeks ago. I run in a place called the “Moscow Sport Palace” (fittingly continuing the theme of regality and further persuading me that I may be of long lost, noble Romanov descent) and am both meeting some of the fittest, friendliest Russians around town while simultaneously sculpting myself into an Olympic, gold medalist runner named Svetlana (gon’ make dis dream a reality – just you wait til May, homeys ;D).
Here’s a pic after ice skating/running a 5k one fine Saturday morning on an ice-rink-I-mean-running-path along the river:
(I’m in the center dressed in black, wif my good homedawg/speed demon Masha in white, beside me)
HOKAY, so I am being summoned to dinnalin and must leave this update as it is. More will soon come – I am by no means finished spinning peculiar tales of my Moskva days.
Poka for now.
As one can hardly fail to notice, we are living in a blossoming internet-centric age of tweeting, instamodel Millenials who have contributed a great many delightful new facets to society such as billions of selfies, brows on fleek, thot juice, a brilliant new use for the hashtag, and the unifying, friendship-based concept of squad. However, it seems that human society is not the only one influenced by the Millenials’ world of werqing, twerking and social networking… it seems that we’ve all been a little TOO turnt up, a lil too gah damn cray cray, and have attracted the attention of quite a mess of ghosts, demons and poltergeists who also strive to be “on fleek AF.” Below is the documentation of the first ever modern-day, Millenial poltergeist haunting. Those who are faint of heart, be warned. This newfangled, contemporary shit is far more terrifying than any haunting humanity has ever yet encountered…
First, the Thot Police paid me a visit
AND THEN THIS SICK THREAT
Hoe hoe hoe…..so mean doe 😦
And then these stupid idiot ghost emojis opening all of my drawers
OH GAWD SANTA WHY
Sweet jesus get out of my ice box
EVEN LEAVING NOTES ON MY DOG WHILE SHE’S TAKING A SLUMBER?!?! Psycho a-holes…
NoooooOOO!OO!O!OoO!O!O!O
Dagger to my damn heart.
…So now I am currently hiding in a fort made out of books, flip phones, dishes that need to be washed by hand, paper newspapers and face-to-face conversation, all of which Millenials (even ghost Millenials) despise. But I really don’t know how much longer I’ll last in here, so here’s one more selfie in case I die:
As some of the members of my friendz and family flock already know, while biding my time in motherland Columbus before blasting off agaaaaaiiin (<stole that line from Team Rocket), I’ve been working in between a small law firm and an interpreting agency (literally in between – my desk is positioned in no-man’s-land limbo terrain between the two fine establishments) respectively run by a hilarious, wise-cracking attorney and his particular-though-warm, equally entertaining Russian wife. It’s been a dandy and unexpectedly bizarre work environment, which is my ideal since I seek out and thrive on eccentricity like Voldemort thrives on unicorn blood in the Sorcerer’s Stone shenanigans…….
Anywhooooo, since I’ve been working here for over two months now, at least 47,056 extremely odd incidents have already taken place, but sadly my lil pea brain can’t remember them all and, even if it could, my lil pea fingers would hurt a lot and maybe even snap like a dang kitkat if I attempted to type up an account of all the weird things that happen in my life (even if merely limiting it to my werq world). So, in light of these pitiable realities, I’ll limit myself to sharing with you a fistful of noteworthy recent events just to fingerpaint ya a clearer picture of the current goings-on of my vida loca, chica.
“Hey Jim; there’s a client out here asking for you.”
“WHATCHU SAY?!?”
“MANE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMO’!”
“Well, sheeeeit tell him to come on BACK.”
“Aight, homey.”
And we never discussed this exchange again. (Just as a side note: my boss is a 68 year old attorney)
Regrettably, I’m gonna have to stop myself there because the third degree burns on my frankfurter fingers are starting to flare up. Gotta go run and grab some bandages for these blistering bad boys. If my next entry is difficult to read and words look like this: lksjaghlksjdfgksj;ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfd sdkgjhskl;jgh dffffffffg sdghsdklg;hl, just know that my fingers will have likely been amputated and I will be attempting to type with my mangled fists. On that note, catch ya later, gators. 😀
Let us all hope that these beloved companions are returned to their homes and families.
Though life in France is most always magical and glorious, it has recently dawned on me that I witness (perform) extremely awkward things pretty much every day (moment), and, as proof, here is a list of some of the aWkKk events to have taken place in the last 48 hours:
1. While I was sprinting around in my magical backyard forest, suddenly an impertinent airborne insect had the sickening nerve to fly directly into my mouth. My reaction was reasonable enough: violent spitting and swearing, of course. This would have been acceptable had it not been for the stunned elderly couple observing nearby in horror from an embarrassingly proximate bench. I explained to them (probably with specks of spit and bits of broken fly on my face), “C’était une mouche dans la bouche” (It was a fly in the mouth). They smiled queasily in response to my awkward poem, and I ran away into the sheltering shrubbery, hoping to never never again encounter them for the rest of my days.
2.
I stumbled upon this children’s drawing on my way to the supermarket – the sunflower’s screams of agony whilst being poisoned to death my that angry little man will likely haunt me for the rest of my days.
3.
A sign that I saw on the way home from schoolio…this has gotta be AT LEAST a 30 degree angle. Come on, France, get yo geometry right. Nothing more awkward than inaccurate angle depictions amirite?
4. Yesterday, my “host grandma” asked me why I never wear a coat and how I manage not to die of the shiver-me-timbers (she may have phrased it differently). I attempted to explain, in French, that it must be my Russian soul (“mon âme russe”) that keeps me warm, but I accidentally said that it was my Russian man (“mon homme russe”) who keeps me toasty. I became conscious of the error a few moments too late into the convo and decided to allow her to interpret my strange remarks as she would, without further explanation (most of what I say en français is rather strange and eccentric–whether intentionally so or not–so she probably wasn’t particularly appalled anyways).
5.
These deformed knob trees I found in a town called Smarves, which is basically just “Smurfs” with a French accent
6.
This peculiar empty, broken shell of a building, tattooed with graffiti – I asked the garçons what it was used for these days, and they told me that it was full of “homeless people, criminals, and poison.” This, I find both awkward and horrifying. Cool beans, France.
7.
This limbo pole I found in da park. 1.9 meters aka 6.2 feet – THAT’S WAY TOO TALL, FRANCE. Only giants would enjoy this game.. how god damn dare you
8.
A street sign which reads, “Aimez nos enfants” (Love our children); something about pairing the notion of loving our children with the image of this terrified child’s violent and impending doom seems very wrong. And awkward. Awkward to my damn core.
9. I will leave you with the most awkward of images – I encountered this nightmare dweller at the aquarium (admittedly, this was not filmed within the last 48 hours but it’s just so damn awkward that I had to include it/her/him as the grand finale):
Hey so um bye!!
Hae hello holler – I just realized that I haven’t written about life in Francylvania for many moons, so here is a brief update aka what happened to me today, 4/1/2015 or 1/4/2015 <- whicheva tickles your fancy.
-Woke up and sprinted to the shower to make sure it hadn’t been overtaken by another nocturnal ant invasion: coast is clear so far.
-Listened to hAwT gangster jams, entirely inappropriate for 8 am, but who really gives a fudge, amirite?!
-Chocolate for breakfast because why the heckleberry finn not?
-Before French class, threw back a coffee shot served to me in a thimble cup suitable only for ants and Thumbelina from the schoolio cafeteria
-In class: spoke some français like a French G, laughed at/threatened softly under my breath the outspoken British man who continually insists on SCREAMING all of his responses (and various other entirely uncalled for ramblings) – I swear this man will give me a heart attack one day </3
-Picked up my French boiz from school and accidentally listened to a bunch of Lil Jon during the car ride home (my music shuffle betrayed me and kept playing Lil J songs “randomly” Woopssssieeeeees ’twas but a fine introduction to American music culture)
–Lunch time aka fling spaghetti all around, splash some water on the floor and table, throw a lil shredded cheese into every nook and cranny in the world, get into a brawl over the last slice of ham, et voila, bon appétit, brah (PS Dessert involved melting bowls full of chocolate in the microwave, which may or may not be forbidden but I’m a c00L cat and anything involving chocolate is aight with me)
-Monsieur Thib and I watched a Doctor Who episode involving demonic old folks who were possessed by poison-spewing aliens; later, while driving through the haunted woods to his piano lesson, we passed what seemed to be an endless throng of the elderly, slowly making their way through the forest path and we freaked out, imagining them opening all their wide, gaping maws to reveal oozing alien poison-spewers pointed our way. When I dropped him off at the music bâtiment, we gravely wished each other luck and vowed at all costs not to trust any one bearing white hair or a grandmotherly smile. It was a somber and fearful parting.
-Upon returning home, I discovered another disemboweled hedgehog on the driveway (the first of these horrifying appearances was discovered Monday) – we theorize that it is some SICKO cat playing a twisted prank on us, but we can’t yet be certain. ALSO since when do cute lil hedgehogs frolic all loosy-goosey style in the wild?? Does this happen in America because, if so, I was totally unaware of the adorable (though nightmarish if they are encountered in coldly-murdered-left-for-dead form) phenomenon.
-Aside from a gah damn fooligan motorcycle man who almost wiped out in front of my car earlier (though he did escape with his life since I am a stick shift-wielding expert and master of mini vans now), I do believe that sums up just another typical journée of life in Francington. (OH! And no mention of cheese has been made only because we haven’t had dinnalin yet, but don’t fret, the fromage is on its merry, fragrant way as existence would cease to exist here without it).
Have you ever worried that your son/daughter/cat/senile uncle Jessie has been eating
HOLY SMOKES WAY TOO MUCH
sugar on the sly?
Are your twinkies, Lucky Charms and precious jugs of Aunt Jemima maple syrup being consumed at
HIGHLY ALARMING
and inexplicable rates??
Have you ever spotted a loved one’s hand twitching like
THE DAMN DICKENS,
your child’s knee jittering around all loosy goosy as though
POSSESSED BY THE AGITATED DEMON SPIRITS OF at least 107 MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS???
Well gosh DARN IT luckily for you, my troubled friend, we have just the thing for you:
***THE SUGAR BREATHALIZER***
A sneaky little device disguised as a twizzler;
the slightest saccharine breath blown by your beloved sugar addict will
render quick, clear results ranging from
1 (sugar-free baby) to 100 (imminent sugardose; seek help immediately)
Purchase your own Sugar Breathalizer NOW for only $6.23 at any local gas station
We also accept golden dubloons, American Express cards and FourLokos as payment
Prime example of the malignant effects of sugar addiction: this poor soul is only 32 years old.
A Maniac's Menagerie of Motley Thoughts 