A Modern Haunting: The Horrors of the Millenial Poltergeist

As one can hardly fail to notice, we are living in a blossoming internet-centric age of tweeting, instamodel Millenials who have contributed a great many delightful new facets to society such as billions of selfies, brows on fleek, thot juice, a brilliant new use for the hashtag, and the unifying, friendship-based concept of squad.  However, it seems that human society is not the only one influenced by the Millenials’ world of werqing, twerking and social networking… it seems that we’ve all been a little TOO turnt up, a lil too gah damn cray cray, and have attracted the attention of quite a mess of ghosts, demons and poltergeists who also strive to be “on fleek AF.” Below is the documentation of the first ever modern-day, Millenial poltergeist haunting.  Those who are faint of heart, be warned.  This newfangled, contemporary shit is far more terrifying than any haunting humanity has ever yet encountered…

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First, the Thot Police paid me a visit

 

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AND THEN THIS SICK THREAT

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Hoe hoe hoe…..so mean doe 😦

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And then these stupid idiot ghost emojis opening all of my drawers

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OH GAWD SANTA WHY

 

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Sweet jesus get out of my ice box

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EVEN LEAVING NOTES ON MY DOG WHILE SHE’S TAKING A SLUMBER?!?! Psycho a-holes…

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NoooooOOO!OO!O!OoO!O!O!O

 

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Dagger to my damn heart.

 

…So now I am currently hiding in a fort made out of books, flip phones, dishes that need to be washed by hand, paper newspapers and face-to-face conversation, all of which Millenials (even ghost Millenials) despise.  But I really don’t know how much longer I’ll last in here, so here’s one more selfie in case I die:

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Awkward things that have happened in the past 48 hours

Though life in France is most always magical and glorious, it has recently dawned on me that I witness (perform) extremely awkward things pretty much every day (moment), and, as proof, here is a list of some of the aWkKk events to have taken place in the last 48 hours:

1. While I was sprinting around in my magical backyard forest, suddenly an impertinent airborne insect  had the sickening nerve to fly directly into my mouth.  My reaction was reasonable enough: violent spitting and swearing, of course.  This would have been acceptable had it not been for the stunned elderly couple observing nearby in horror from an embarrassingly proximate bench.  I explained to them (probably with specks of spit and bits of broken fly on my face), “C’était une mouche dans la bouche” (It was a fly in the mouth).  They smiled queasily in response to my awkward poem, and I ran away into the sheltering shrubbery, hoping to never never again encounter them for the rest of my days.

2.

I stumbled upon this children's drawing on my way to the supermarket - this sunflower's screams of agony whilst being poisoned to death my that angry little man will likely haunt me for the rest of my days.

I stumbled upon this children’s drawing on my way to the supermarket – the sunflower’s screams of agony whilst being poisoned to death my that angry little man will likely haunt me for the rest of my days.

3.

This has gotta be at least a 30 degree angle.  Come on, France, get yo geometry right.  Nothing more awkward than inaccurate angle depictions amirite?

A sign that I saw on the way home from schoolio…this has gotta be AT LEAST a 30 degree angle. Come on, France, get yo geometry right. Nothing more awkward than inaccurate angle depictions amirite?

4.  Yesterday, my “host grandma” asked me why I never wear a coat and how I manage not to die of the shiver-me-timbers (she may have phrased it differently). I attempted to explain, in French, that it must be my Russian soul (“mon âme russe”) that keeps me warm, but I accidentally said that it was my Russian man (“mon homme russe”) who keeps me toasty.  I became conscious of the error a few moments too late into the convo and decided to allow her to interpret my strange remarks as she would, without further explanation (most of what I say en français is rather strange and eccentric–whether intentionally so or not–so she probably wasn’t particularly appalled anyways).

5.

These deformed knob trees I found in a town called Smarves, which is basically just "Smurfs" with a French accent

These deformed knob trees I found in a town called Smarves, which is basically just “Smurfs” with a French accent

6.

This peculiar empty, broken shell of a building, tattooed with graffiti - I asked the garçons what it was used for these days and they told me that it was full of "homeless people, criminals, and poison."  Both awkward and horrifying. Cool beans, France.

This peculiar empty, broken shell of a building, tattooed with graffiti – I asked the garçons what it was used for these days, and they told me that it was full of “homeless people, criminals, and poison.” This, I find both awkward and horrifying. Cool beans, France.

7.

This limbo pole I found in da park.  1.9 meters aka 6.2 feet - THAT'S WAY TOO TALL, FRANCE.  Only giants would enjoy this how god damn dare you

This limbo pole I found in da park. 1.9 meters aka 6.2 feet – THAT’S WAY TOO TALL, FRANCE. Only giants would enjoy this game.. how god damn dare you

8.

A street sign which reads,  "Aimez nos enfants" (Love our children); something about pairing the love of our children with the image of this terrified child's violent and impending doom seems deeply wrong.  And awkward. Awkward to my damn core.

A street sign which reads, “Aimez nos enfants” (Love our children); something about pairing the notion of loving our children with the image of this terrified child’s violent and impending doom seems very wrong. And awkward. Awkward to my damn core.

9. I will leave you with the most awkward of images – I encountered this nightmare dweller at the aquarium (admittedly, this was not filmed within the last 48 hours but it’s just so damn awkward that I had to include it/her/him as the grand finale):

Hey so um bye!!

A Day (today) in Francington

Hae hello holler – I just realized that I haven’t written about life in Francylvania for many moons, so here is a brief update aka what happened to me today, 4/1/2015 or 1/4/2015 <- whicheva tickles your fancy.

-Woke up and sprinted to the shower to make sure it hadn’t been overtaken by another nocturnal ant invasion: coast is clear so far.

-Listened to hAwT gangster jams, entirely inappropriate for 8 am, but who really gives a fudge, amirite?!

-Chocolate for breakfast because why the heckleberry finn not?

-Before French class, threw back a coffee shot served to me in a thimble cup suitable only for ants and Thumbelina from the schoolio cafeteria

-In class: spoke some français like a French G, laughed at/threatened softly under my breath the outspoken British man who continually insists on SCREAMING all of his responses (and various other entirely uncalled for ramblings) – I swear this man will give me a heart attack one day </3

-Picked up my French boiz from school and accidentally listened to a bunch of Lil Jon during the car ride home (my music shuffle betrayed me and kept playing Lil J songs “randomly” Woopssssieeeeees ’twas but a fine introduction to American music culture)

Lunch time aka fling spaghetti all around, splash some water on the floor and table, throw a lil shredded cheese into every nook and cranny in the world, get into a brawl over the last slice of ham, et voila, bon appétit, brah (PS Dessert involved melting bowls full of chocolate in the microwave, which may or may not be forbidden but I’m a c00L cat and anything involving chocolate is aight with me)

-Monsieur Thib and I watched a Doctor Who episode involving demonic old folks who were possessed by poison-spewing aliens; later, while driving through the haunted woods to his piano lesson, we passed what seemed to be an endless throng of the elderly, slowly making their way through the forest path and we freaked out, imagining them opening all their wide, gaping maws to reveal oozing alien poison-spewers pointed our way. When I dropped him off at the music bâtiment, we gravely wished each other luck and vowed at all costs not to trust any one bearing white hair or a grandmotherly smile. It was a somber and fearful parting.

-Upon returning home, I discovered another disemboweled hedgehog on the driveway (the first of these horrifying appearances was discovered Monday) – we theorize that it is some SICKO cat playing a twisted prank on us, but we can’t yet be certain. ALSO since when do cute lil hedgehogs frolic all loosy-goosey style in the wild?? Does this happen in America because, if so, I was totally unaware of the adorable (though nightmarish if they are encountered in coldly-murdered-left-for-dead form) phenomenon.

-Aside from a gah damn fooligan motorcycle man who almost wiped out in front of my car earlier (though he did escape with his life since I am a stick shift-wielding expert and master of mini vans now), I do believe that sums up just another typical journée of life in Francington. (OH! And no mention of cheese has been made only because we haven’t had dinnalin yet, but don’t fret, the fromage is on its merry, fragrant way as existence would cease to exist here without it).

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Six Profound Life Hacks

Thought you had it all figured out?  Thought life no longer held any secrets? THINK. AGAIN. MY. AMIGO.  Below are six life hacks that will change everything.  The simplicity of some of these will blow your mind.

  1. Band-Aids – If you find yourself bleeding profusely, don’t just sit there, allowing a gaping wound to ruin your delicate silks or your rare Persian rug collection. Go grab a Band-Aid! Didn’t know about these useful little suckers? A fast and easy solution, Band-Aids stick to all kinds of skin and are sure to cover up those horrifying scrapes and oozing gashes in a jiffy. If a Band-Aid doesn’t work, you may be in serious danger and it would be best not to hesitate calling 9-1-1 for immediate medical assistance.
  2. Scurvy? Try fruit! – If you’ve been experiencing pinpoint bleeding around your hair follicles and a general feeling of unwellness and diarrhea, sadly, you probably have scurvy. But don’t lose hope yet! As many of even the best of us have done, you’ve probably forgotten about fruit again. If you’re uncertain of what I mean by fruit, don’t be embarrassed; those sneaky grocery stores have been hiding this super food in the overlooked outer fringes of their corrupt establishments for many ages now. But luckily those vitamin C-packed miracle supplements will rid you of your Scurvy faster than you can say, “An apple a day keeps the scurvy at bay.”
  3. When speaking to someone, be sure to be looking in the right direction – Do you frequently feel as though you’re gravely misunderstood, as though you just aren’t communicating properly with your peers, or that people more often than not become uneasy in your presence? The solution to this social hitch may be easier than you’d ever imagined. Simply try looking at the person to whom you’re speaking; in 8 out of 10 cases, it’s scientifically proven that people respond better to those who look at them while they are talking. If you can’t manage direct eye contact, try pointing your eyes in the general direction of the face or body. The higher up the body your eyes wander, the more success you are likely to meet, as studies have shown that conversation with a person’s feet (whether of a friend, a stranger, or a foe) will virtually always be more coldly received than conversation with someone’s neck or chin. But remember, eyes on the prize – or perhaps I should say eyes on the eyes because it’s that nifty little thing called eye contact that’ll win ya the true friendships and that might just earn ya a removal of those pesky restraining orders.
  4. Wearing clothes – Have you ever stepped outside and just immediately been assaulted by a cruel breeze that shivered your bones to the very timber? Or, conversely, maybe on a casual stroll around town, what should have been a charming and peaceful promenade spiraled into a sweaty, awkward slither of shame back home where you had to wait for all the slime to evaporate off of your sweltered bod? Fear not, there is a solution here that will shock you in its simplicity: select your clothing items according to the temperature outside! We get so caught up in using our clothes to look cool and hot, that we forget to consider whether it will be cool or hot when we step outside the door. Like Latin, weather is somewhat of a dead art, if you will, in our fashionably advanced society. However, believe it or not, an understanding of the daily weather will assist you immensely in a great many other life decisions, one being the proper wardrobe selection.
  5. Removing the orange peel before consuming – Have you sworn off oranges, convinced that those tangy lil juice pods at the core are in NO way worth the nasty discomfort of gnawing away at that thick, rubbery, bitter rind on the outside? I used to be in the same boat – until I discovered life hack #4: peel the orange rind before consuming! If you aren’t equipped with long nails or fangs, this may a bit tricky, but don’t give up hope. Any sharp tool will do, but, in my opinion, a mere butter knife does the trick quite nicely. Use this to slice off that irksome orange ride, careful not to cut too deep; if you pierce the orange pods, you may get sprayed in the eye with citrusy juice, which burns like the damn dickens. But with a little caution, you’ll be just fine – in fact, you’ll be better than fine since you’ll likely never get sick again after eating all those cold-slaying little suckers!                                                                                                                                     **Sidenote: Oranges are considered a fruit and thus will effectively cure you of Scurvy if you are plagued by the wretched, previously-addressed malady.
  6. Heating up soup – Have you ever been trapped at home during a freezing blizzard without your snow galoshes—or maybe stuck inside the house during a flood, without a canoe? There’s nothing more Debby Downer than shivering alone in the house, wondering what in the world could possibly comfort you, as you imagine all of your friends zipping around town in their various water vessels, or being buried in fluffy downpours of snow, thick as an avalanche. BUT all is not lost. The most comforting food to be eaten during those dark, cold days has been under your nose, hidden away in the dusty corners of your cabinets this whole time: soup! You’re probably wondering, “How is lukewarm, salty broth swimming with slimy veggies and tepid chicken supposed to make me feel better?” BUT BUT BUT had you read the fine, easily overlooked print on all of those Campbell’s cans, you would have discovered a delightful secret: soup is to be consumed HOT! All of those once chilly, dull ingredients, come to life with the heat, turning cool sludge into hot stew, comforting your stomach and your very soul with a steaming succulence that never fails to alleviate the rainy/blizzardy day blues. Believe me, that chicken noodle is a life changer in a can.

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Odd Things I’ve Learned in France

Here are just a few of the unique “life lessons”(?) I’ve learned during my time in Franceland:

1. If you happen to get pulled over by the French popo for doing something unacceptable like speeding 5 km/h over the limit or daring to make a left turn, try to resist that inflammatory gangsta nature of yours, and whip out a naïve, slightly bamboozled American smile.  Don’t forget to play the role of charming yet daft simpleton, and certainly don’t be afraid to allow a single tear to roll down your bravely smiling cheek.

2. If you find yourself driving around France in your stick shift miniV, havin’ a ball, laughing n singing like it ain’t no thang, THINK AGAIN and NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN because that old lady driving ahead of you might just decide to rapidly switch into reverse in the middle of the road and begin a demented, slow motion game of bumper cars with you as you desperately attempt to honk your horn, which has hilariously decided to malfunction on the wrong damn day.

3. If you want to live, by all means avoid eating ANY and ALL mushrooms that you find ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME.  If you simply must go mushroom hunting rather than investing in a truffle pig, MY GOD don’t you forget to bring one hundred tiny plastic bags in which to store your individual mushrooms as, if you mix them together, the poisonous devil shroomies will contaminate the entire batch.  Also don’t touch your eyes during your mushroom quest or you WILL go blind or possibly die.  (This general message was conveyed to me by a local pharmacist who inspected the fresh bag of mushies that the French twins and I collected during an enthusiastic forage throughout the forest.  All of our hopes were dashed when the pharmacist told us that we’d basically collected enough poison to wipe out all of humanity.

4. Don’t go jogging on private farmlands and/or what may or may not be hunting grounds.  I learned this lesson the hard way one deceptively charming morning a couple weeks back; the sun was shining, the birds were chirping away in French, and I decided to take my run down this beauteous, new path I’d discovered beyond a gate that might have warned, “Private Property” or “Danger: Death”–it was all in French, so who can really be certain?  Anywhoo, it looked to be a fine scenic route and, best of all, as I was running, I spotted this single black stallion waiting for me behind a fence a little ways off.  I merrily picked up the pace, practically skipping my way over to Black Beauty, when suddenly “BAAAAAANG!”–I was met with a cordial, ear-splitting explosion of close-range gunfire.  I probably jumped 900 feet in the air, simultaneously screaming “WHAT THE F[udge]?!?!?” when a second later I saw in the distance a menacing Frenchman holding a rifle and waving at me with angry gestures which I assume can only have meant, “Get the h(uckleberry finn) off my land, American swine!”  I am polite and value my life, so I respected his wishes and calmly sprinted away.

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Another horse that I saw during a run around the woodz; I didn’t even get shot at for taking this picture!

Rather Be Singin’ in da Rain

A lot of people, including myself, have asked me why exactly it is that I decided to fly the coop and skedaddle off to France for a year.  The father’s voice from “Shoes” is constantly ringing through my mind in that haunting monotone drawl of his: “What are you gonna do with your LIFE?!?” and sometimes I’m not quiiiiite sure of my response.  I don’t have a 5-year-plan; I laugh in the face of routine schmoutine; and as for settling down – SETTLE DOWN FO WHAT?!

But, fo real, in all seriousness, the more I consider my eccentric, haphazard life decisions (aka France, Russia, NYC, trying my hand as a Burger King employee in the glory days, etc.), the more strongly I come to the realization that, when I’m all old and bundled in wrinkles hundreds of years from now (naturally, they’ll have discovered some kind of sorcerer’s stone or fountain of youth to grant me immortality), I will not regret a single one of these experiences.  At the moment (and I have a feeling that this moment will last awhile), serious faces, stiff suits and stressful Susans (relatives of Chatty Kathy and Debby Downer) are simply not my cup of tea. I’m just not feelin’ it.

Why work yourself to the bone, deprive yourself of all creativity and adventure, forget about love and thereby rip your demented soul into seven (OR EIGHT) pieces like Lord Voldy?

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Poor lil dark lord – all pooped out after a hard day of unimaginably evil work

Personally, I’d rather be in France siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingin’ in the rain with dis boi:

🙂