A Modern Haunting: The Horrors of the Millenial Poltergeist

As one can hardly fail to notice, we are living in a blossoming internet-centric age of tweeting, instamodel Millenials who have contributed a great many delightful new facets to society such as billions of selfies, brows on fleek, thot juice, a brilliant new use for the hashtag, and the unifying, friendship-based concept of squad.  However, it seems that human society is not the only one influenced by the Millenials’ world of werqing, twerking and social networking… it seems that we’ve all been a little TOO turnt up, a lil too gah damn cray cray, and have attracted the attention of quite a mess of ghosts, demons and poltergeists who also strive to be “on fleek AF.” Below is the documentation of the first ever modern-day, Millenial poltergeist haunting.  Those who are faint of heart, be warned.  This newfangled, contemporary shit is far more terrifying than any haunting humanity has ever yet encountered…

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First, the Thot Police paid me a visit

 

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AND THEN THIS SICK THREAT

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Hoe hoe hoe…..so mean doe 😦

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And then these stupid idiot ghost emojis opening all of my drawers

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OH GAWD SANTA WHY

 

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Sweet jesus get out of my ice box

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EVEN LEAVING NOTES ON MY DOG WHILE SHE’S TAKING A SLUMBER?!?! Psycho a-holes…

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NoooooOOO!OO!O!OoO!O!O!O

 

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Dagger to my damn heart.

 

…So now I am currently hiding in a fort made out of books, flip phones, dishes that need to be washed by hand, paper newspapers and face-to-face conversation, all of which Millenials (even ghost Millenials) despise.  But I really don’t know how much longer I’ll last in here, so here’s one more selfie in case I die:

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Bedtime Murder Mystery

It’s always slightly unnerving, I think, to walk into your room and immediately sense that something has been trifled, tinkered or toyed with – the intruder’s presence still lingering as you glance around warily, hoping against hope that your secret diary remains a secret, that your most precious belongings (i.e. gold dubloons, the sorcerer’s stone, etc) remain locked safely away, and that you are not, in fact, being haunted by a demonic poltergeist.

This evening, I stumbled upon just such an unsettling scene as I returned to my bedroom after dinnalin.  What first drew my attention was a pair of tiny blue shoes, belonging either to an elf or a child (modern technology is not yet advanced enough to conclusively determine which).

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Elf/Boy Shoes

Next, it dawned on me that some sort of creature had been rolling around in my bed, smashing up the pillow and rumpling my poor, agitated red blanket.

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This is for sure not the way that I made my bed this morning

More disturbing, still, was the chilling article to be discovered at the foot of my bed…

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WHAT IN GOD’S NAME?! HAS SOMEONE MISPLACED A GUN BY CHANCE?

As images of pistol-wielding elves rolling around on my bed dashed through my mind, I came upon a gruesome crime scene:

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What a shame

Both a longneck dino (thought to have been extinct millions of years ago!!?) and a round, three-legged pig seemed to have been slain by the pistol-popping intruder.  Inert and knocked over onto their sides, both improbable beasts were cold to the touch – long dead.  A heinous crime, indeed.  BUT WHO HAD COMMITTED THE ATROCITY?!  Fortunately (and astoundingly), the perpetrator left behind the most damning of evidence…

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Nothing more incriminating than a school picture

Thibault, the mischievous French trickster/elvish gun wielder, strikes again.

On that disturbing yet satisfying note, it’s time for bed. I always sleep well after cracking a case.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/thats-absurd/