How To Talk Politics 2015

Have you ever wanted to “talk politics” but don’t quite know the the hot button issues/the code of conduct/the meaning of “veto” (does anyone really?!)  Do you find yourself forgetting the tricky little details, such as the number of branches of government, the Presidents’ coronation date, or the difference between a “radical” dude and a “radical” Speaker of the House? Well, here are some simple standard rules of protocol to follow to help any poor ignorant fool successfully spit some mad politics…

  1. Speak whatever your point may be as loudly as possible, and remember, shouting, howling and angry weeping are by no means off limits; people are generally unable to comprehend differing political perspectives unless the message is conveyed by means of a deeply horrifying passion.
  2. Always remember that the political arena is like a birthday party laser tag match; think of the president as the birthday boi/gurl (his team is expected to win, but it doesn’t always work out that way cuz some of his friends are mean and care about winning more than pleasing the bday chosen one ;/ ), and imagine the right-wingers and the left-wingers as two teams of children running around in the dark, making fun lil strategies and playing war with lasers blindly fired through artificial fog at the shifting shadows of opponents who are doing just the same right back. AND BY NO MEANS ever forget that there is always a winning team and always a losing team – THERE IS NO COMPROMISE AND NO MODERATION IN LASER TAG I MEAN POLITICS – the game would be no fun otherwise the system could never work otherwise!
  3. If you’re really looking to make a splash and to reveal yourself to your peers as a bold fount of questionable political opinion, there are certain trigger phrases that you should be prepared to whip out for special occasions.  These include but are in no way limited to: “Barack Hussein Obama … heard he was born in Osama Bin Laden’s hidey hole,” “Inequality no longer exists, you dumbass prole,”” “Ben Carson stabbed me once” or a simple “Hillary Clinton…” but preferably, bellow it with maniacal glory or whisper it while threateningly stroking the Dark Mark on the underside of your forearm.
  4. If you want to say something bold and provocative but have no way of backing up your ridiculous assertions, fear not, there is ample space to maneuver around these trivial inconveniences.  Should you decide to play on Team Republican,at the end of your uninformed (shhshhh no one need know) declarations, just throw in a little “I heard it on Fox News,” or the ever-effective “Rush Limbaugh told me,” or simply caress the cross fondly around your neck and tell them softly, “The Lord would have it this way,” (and if they’re still having doubts, offer them your bible to use as a fact checker).  If, on the other hand, you’re playing for Team Democrat, should anyone question your hogwash, immediately, and with the fury of hell, accuse them of being a sexist, racist, anti-semitic, death eater abomination.  This seems to do the trick quite nicely.
  5. And finally, you must never ever forget that you are right and that everyone else is wrong.  DO NOT fall prey to the rookie mistake of listening to a differing perspective.  THIS WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL as ANY opinion diverging from yours is sickening, irrelevant, ungodly filth and is most likely a crime against humanity.   To avoid falling into the trap of civilized discourse or of a heinous exchange of ideas, it is a common modern practice to plug one’s ears with beeswax just as the old sea dogs and sailors of bygone times once did in order to protect themselves from the infernal lure of the sirens’ fatal song.

Godspeed, my blossoming politicians.  May this misguided poppycock bring you great success along your political path to endless riches and infinite, birdbrained glory.