Donald’s Best Words in the Mouths of Other Great Non-Losers

As you know, Donald has all of the best words.  All of them.  And you shouldn’t feel stupid or insecure for not thinking of them first.  It’s not your fault – his IQ is one of the highest.

But sometimes words are too beautiful, too vastly profound not to be shared.  And though Donald is humble, more humble than you could understand, he has allowed some of the non-losers below to use some of his words. His great, maga magical words…




A number of troubling allegations have shrouded Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s history and political credentials with mystery and doubt.  However, not until very recently has there been serious cause for alarm.  Just this morning, the stabbing victim of Mr. Carson’s admittedly dark, angry past has come forward with a haunting, lightning bolt-shaped belt buckle scar and a claim to be the “Chosen One” of an ancient political prophecy, foretelling the demise of the GOP’s maniacal bad seeds, including surgeon-turned-politician Dr. Benny C.

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The victim and survivor of Mr. Carson’s bout of wild knife fury, a rather hairy potter and general craftsman by trade, has chosen to withhold his name from publication for privacy and safety reasons, and, consequently, will be referred to simply as the Boy Who Lived (or BWL for short).  When asked why he hadn’t stepped forward earlier with such prophetic forebodings, the Boy Who Lived replied that he hadn’t even been aware of the ill-omened tidings until an enormous man carrying a disturbing birthday cake broke into his home to inform him of his destiny.  [The intruder was later positively identified as 55th governor of New Jersey Chris Christie.]

Additionally, according to the BWL, he only survived Carson’s fury–and just barely–through the protective powers of his belt buckle which had, incidentally, been imbued with a stupid idiot’s love – the force most despised by Carson, which warded off his pointed metallic advances and broke his pathological power, banishing him into the shadow realm of his home bathroom where he huddled, in a haughty, contemptuous state of broken disdain, his madness diminished but by no means destroyed.

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The BWL claims that he was later contacted by a crazed, bespectacled figure who incessantly waved rotten tea leaves in his face, shouting in a strange Brooklyn accent that the “GOP horcruxes must be destroyed.”  The Boy Who Lived was unsettled but didn’t take the ravings particularly seriously until he discovered while watching the news that the deranged clairvoyant had been none other than Bernie Sanders, yet another presidential hopeful, spouting promises of socialist nirvana while simultaneously advising the destruction of horcruxes on the side.

Though the BWL attempted to contact Sanders once more to determine the nature of Ben Carson’s purported rightwing-swinging horcruxes, he never heard from bespectacled Bernie again, only receiving a grave warning from the Socialist Party USA to cease all correspondence immediately lest there be “dire consequences for us all…”  Shortly thereafter, however, Mr. BWL received a number of peculiar emails from the personal address ‘,’ listing the horcruxes, one by one, in odd, ominous succession.  The list reads as follows: 1. Donald Trump’s hair[piece] 2. Ben Carson’s watercolor self portrait with Jesus 3. George W. Bush’s special golden goblet (rumored to contain Osama Bin Laden’s tears) 4. Sarah Palin’s spectacles 5. Ted Cruz’s bible 6. Trump Towers, and, last of all, 7. The wall between Mexico and the United States.

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Should Bernie Sanders and the mysterious “Madame Prez HRC’s” emails be truthful, the Boy Who Lived surely has a daunting quest set forth before him and we ask that all US citizens, muggles, wizards, elephants and donkeys alike, stand united in support of this brave hairy pottery artisan as he embarks upon what’s certain to be a frightfully unsettling journey.  And remember to at all times keep your eyes peeled for anything peculiar or wicked lurking in the shadows of the political underworld, whether it be a knife-carrying Carson, a wig(?)-wielding, bigotry-bearing Trump, or really just any politician with a particularly mischievous look in the eye.  Which might just be each and every one of them.  Godspeed.

How To Talk Politics 2015

Have you ever wanted to “talk politics” but don’t quite know the the hot button issues/the code of conduct/the meaning of “veto” (does anyone really?!)  Do you find yourself forgetting the tricky little details, such as the number of branches of government, the Presidents’ coronation date, or the difference between a “radical” dude and a “radical” Speaker of the House? Well, here are some simple standard rules of protocol to follow to help any poor ignorant fool successfully spit some mad politics…

  1. Speak whatever your point may be as loudly as possible, and remember, shouting, howling and angry weeping are by no means off limits; people are generally unable to comprehend differing political perspectives unless the message is conveyed by means of a deeply horrifying passion.
  2. Always remember that the political arena is like a birthday party laser tag match; think of the president as the birthday boi/gurl (his team is expected to win, but it doesn’t always work out that way cuz some of his friends are mean and care about winning more than pleasing the bday chosen one ;/ ), and imagine the right-wingers and the left-wingers as two teams of children running around in the dark, making fun lil strategies and playing war with lasers blindly fired through artificial fog at the shifting shadows of opponents who are doing just the same right back. AND BY NO MEANS ever forget that there is always a winning team and always a losing team – THERE IS NO COMPROMISE AND NO MODERATION IN LASER TAG I MEAN POLITICS – the game would be no fun otherwise the system could never work otherwise!
  3. If you’re really looking to make a splash and to reveal yourself to your peers as a bold fount of questionable political opinion, there are certain trigger phrases that you should be prepared to whip out for special occasions.  These include but are in no way limited to: “Barack Hussein Obama … heard he was born in Osama Bin Laden’s hidey hole,” “Inequality no longer exists, you dumbass prole,”” “Ben Carson stabbed me once” or a simple “Hillary Clinton…” but preferably, bellow it with maniacal glory or whisper it while threateningly stroking the Dark Mark on the underside of your forearm.
  4. If you want to say something bold and provocative but have no way of backing up your ridiculous assertions, fear not, there is ample space to maneuver around these trivial inconveniences.  Should you decide to play on Team Republican,at the end of your uninformed (shhshhh no one need know) declarations, just throw in a little “I heard it on Fox News,” or the ever-effective “Rush Limbaugh told me,” or simply caress the cross fondly around your neck and tell them softly, “The Lord would have it this way,” (and if they’re still having doubts, offer them your bible to use as a fact checker).  If, on the other hand, you’re playing for Team Democrat, should anyone question your hogwash, immediately, and with the fury of hell, accuse them of being a sexist, racist, anti-semitic, death eater abomination.  This seems to do the trick quite nicely.
  5. And finally, you must never ever forget that you are right and that everyone else is wrong.  DO NOT fall prey to the rookie mistake of listening to a differing perspective.  THIS WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL as ANY opinion diverging from yours is sickening, irrelevant, ungodly filth and is most likely a crime against humanity.   To avoid falling into the trap of civilized discourse or of a heinous exchange of ideas, it is a common modern practice to plug one’s ears with beeswax just as the old sea dogs and sailors of bygone times once did in order to protect themselves from the infernal lure of the sirens’ fatal song.

Godspeed, my blossoming politicians.  May this misguided poppycock bring you great success along your political path to endless riches and infinite, birdbrained glory.



Donald Trump: Smug Muggle or Idiotic Wizard simply disguised as one?

So has anyone noticed that Donald Trump is just a confused Professor Lockhart masquerading about as a muggle? Still using those wily memory charms and making people believe he’s committed wondrous, fantastical, fictional deeds… Someone had better alert St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies that their patient has escaped…