A number of troubling allegations have shrouded Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s history and political credentials with mystery and doubt. However, not until very recently has there been serious cause for alarm. Just this morning, the stabbing victim of Mr. Carson’s admittedly dark, angry past has come forward with a haunting, lightning bolt-shaped belt buckle scar and a claim to be the “Chosen One” of an ancient political prophecy, foretelling the demise of the GOP’s maniacal bad seeds, including surgeon-turned-politician Dr. Benny C.
The victim and survivor of Mr. Carson’s bout of wild knife fury, a rather hairy potter and general craftsman by trade, has chosen to withhold his name from publication for privacy and safety reasons, and, consequently, will be referred to simply as the Boy Who Lived (or BWL for short). When asked why he hadn’t stepped forward earlier with such prophetic forebodings, the Boy Who Lived replied that he hadn’t even been aware of the ill-omened tidings until an enormous man carrying a disturbing birthday cake broke into his home to inform him of his destiny. [The intruder was later positively identified as 55th governor of New Jersey Chris Christie.]
Additionally, according to the BWL, he only survived Carson’s fury–and just barely–through the protective powers of his belt buckle which had, incidentally, been imbued with a stupid idiot’s love – the force most despised by Carson, which warded off his pointed metallic advances and broke his pathological power, banishing him into the shadow realm of his home bathroom where he huddled, in a haughty, contemptuous state of broken disdain, his madness diminished but by no means destroyed.
The BWL claims that he was later contacted by a crazed, bespectacled figure who incessantly waved rotten tea leaves in his face, shouting in a strange Brooklyn accent that the “GOP horcruxes must be destroyed.” The Boy Who Lived was unsettled but didn’t take the ravings particularly seriously until he discovered while watching the news that the deranged clairvoyant had been none other than Bernie Sanders, yet another presidential hopeful, spouting promises of socialist nirvana while simultaneously advising the destruction of horcruxes on the side.
Though the BWL attempted to contact Sanders once more to determine the nature of Ben Carson’s purported rightwing-swinging horcruxes, he never heard from bespectacled Bernie again, only receiving a grave warning from the Socialist Party USA to cease all correspondence immediately lest there be “dire consequences for us all…” Shortly thereafter, however, Mr. BWL received a number of peculiar emails from the personal address ‘madame_prez_HRC@yahoo.com,’ listing the horcruxes, one by one, in odd, ominous succession. The list reads as follows: 1. Donald Trump’s hair[piece] 2. Ben Carson’s watercolor self portrait with Jesus 3. George W. Bush’s special golden goblet (rumored to contain Osama Bin Laden’s tears) 4. Sarah Palin’s spectacles 5. Ted Cruz’s bible 6. Trump Towers, and, last of all, 7. The wall between Mexico and the United States.
Should Bernie Sanders and the mysterious “Madame Prez HRC’s” emails be truthful, the Boy Who Lived surely has a daunting quest set forth before him and we ask that all US citizens, muggles, wizards, elephants and donkeys alike, stand united in support of this brave hairy pottery artisan as he embarks upon what’s certain to be a frightfully unsettling journey. And remember to at all times keep your eyes peeled for anything peculiar or wicked lurking in the shadows of the political underworld, whether it be a knife-carrying Carson, a wig(?)-wielding, bigotry-bearing Trump, or really just any politician with a particularly mischievous look in the eye. Which might just be each and every one of them. Godspeed.