Donald’s Best Words in the Mouths of Other Great Non-Losers

As you know, Donald has all of the best words.  All of them.  And you shouldn’t feel stupid or insecure for not thinking of them first.  It’s not your fault – his IQ is one of the highest.

But sometimes words are too beautiful, too vastly profound not to be shared.  And though Donald is humble, more humble than you could understand, he has allowed some of the non-losers below to use some of his words. His great, maga magical words…

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A Modern Haunting: The Horrors of the Millenial Poltergeist

As one can hardly fail to notice, we are living in a blossoming internet-centric age of tweeting, instamodel Millenials who have contributed a great many delightful new facets to society such as billions of selfies, brows on fleek, thot juice, a brilliant new use for the hashtag, and the unifying, friendship-based concept of squad.  However, it seems that human society is not the only one influenced by the Millenials’ world of werqing, twerking and social networking… it seems that we’ve all been a little TOO turnt up, a lil too gah damn cray cray, and have attracted the attention of quite a mess of ghosts, demons and poltergeists who also strive to be “on fleek AF.” Below is the documentation of the first ever modern-day, Millenial poltergeist haunting.  Those who are faint of heart, be warned.  This newfangled, contemporary shit is far more terrifying than any haunting humanity has ever yet encountered…

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First, the Thot Police paid me a visit

 

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AND THEN THIS SICK THREAT

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Hoe hoe hoe…..so mean doe 😦

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And then these stupid idiot ghost emojis opening all of my drawers

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OH GAWD SANTA WHY

 

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Sweet jesus get out of my ice box

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EVEN LEAVING NOTES ON MY DOG WHILE SHE’S TAKING A SLUMBER?!?! Psycho a-holes…

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NoooooOOO!OO!O!OoO!O!O!O

 

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Dagger to my damn heart.

 

…So now I am currently hiding in a fort made out of books, flip phones, dishes that need to be washed by hand, paper newspapers and face-to-face conversation, all of which Millenials (even ghost Millenials) despise.  But I really don’t know how much longer I’ll last in here, so here’s one more selfie in case I die:

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Voldemort’s Cover of “Hello” by Adele

As some of you already know, I recently attempted to post a Lord Voldy version of Adele’s “Hello,” but that ended up being a twisted, husk of a failure because the angry copyright monsters stripped me of my sound and left me with an unsettling silent video of an evil sorcerer’s weird face instead of the darkly magical music video I’d originally envisioned … SO since they’ve forced my hand, I have had no other choice but to go Voldemort himself for some disturbing though legally acceptable vocals. And He (Who Must Not be Named) has provided in spades.

Please enjoy this haunting ballad:

Donald Trump: Smug Muggle or Idiotic Wizard simply disguised as one?

So has anyone noticed that Donald Trump is just a confused Professor Lockhart masquerading about as a muggle? Still using those wily memory charms and making people believe he’s committed wondrous, fantastical, fictional deeds… Someone had better alert St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies that their patient has escaped…

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Identity Crisis: Wizard Born into a Muggle’s Body

Philbert McFlorence, a citizen of Oniontown, Pennsylvania, claims to have been born into the wrong body—that’s to say, that he has been born into the body of an ordinary man rather than that of a wizard, which is, tragically, the identity to which he has related since he was a young muggle boy. Immensely uncomfortable with his non-magical existence (“I’M NOT EVEN A DAMN SQUIB!”  shrieked Mr. McFlorence at a pitch that certainly defied the limits of the average muggle’s vocal range), Philbert contends that he is a “prisoner in a butterball body that betrays [him] with each impotent ‘Avada Kedavra,’ with every failed Fidelius charm.” When we asked Mr. P McFlorence why he was pointing a tiny twig at us with a trembling hand, he bellowed, “CRUCIO I’M SUCH A FAILURE CRUCIO MUDBLUD SCUM CRUCIO DON’T MOCK ME” and proceeded to aggressively poke a swirly smudge of what might have been black eyeliner on the underside of his left forearm. Whether he was itching a cancerous black mole, trying to wipe a bit of dirt off of his arm, or attempting to summon a dark wizard lord to violently murder us is, at this time, unclear, but we wish Mr. Philbert McFlo-Rida all the best and sincerely hope that his legally dubious, witch doctor muggle-to-sorcerer surgical procedure (scheduled to take place next week in Parangaricutirimicuaro, Mexico) goes “brilliantly,” as the British wizarding youth say these days.

Casey Normando

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Mr. Philbert wouldn’t allow us to take a photo, so we had no choice but to paint a haunting portrait of his tormented gaze instead. Notice the vague resemblance to Mad Eye Moody