Six Profound Life Hacks

Thought you had it all figured out?  Thought life no longer held any secrets? THINK. AGAIN. MY. AMIGO.  Below are six life hacks that will change everything.  The simplicity of some of these will blow your mind.

  1. Band-Aids – If you find yourself bleeding profusely, don’t just sit there, allowing a gaping wound to ruin your delicate silks or your rare Persian rug collection. Go grab a Band-Aid! Didn’t know about these useful little suckers? A fast and easy solution, Band-Aids stick to all kinds of skin and are sure to cover up those horrifying scrapes and oozing gashes in a jiffy. If a Band-Aid doesn’t work, you may be in serious danger and it would be best not to hesitate calling 9-1-1 for immediate medical assistance.
  2. Scurvy? Try fruit! – If you’ve been experiencing pinpoint bleeding around your hair follicles and a general feeling of unwellness and diarrhea, sadly, you probably have scurvy. But don’t lose hope yet! As many of even the best of us have done, you’ve probably forgotten about fruit again. If you’re uncertain of what I mean by fruit, don’t be embarrassed; those sneaky grocery stores have been hiding this super food in the overlooked outer fringes of their corrupt establishments for many ages now. But luckily those vitamin C-packed miracle supplements will rid you of your Scurvy faster than you can say, “An apple a day keeps the scurvy at bay.”
  3. When speaking to someone, be sure to be looking in the right direction – Do you frequently feel as though you’re gravely misunderstood, as though you just aren’t communicating properly with your peers, or that people more often than not become uneasy in your presence? The solution to this social hitch may be easier than you’d ever imagined. Simply try looking at the person to whom you’re speaking; in 8 out of 10 cases, it’s scientifically proven that people respond better to those who look at them while they are talking. If you can’t manage direct eye contact, try pointing your eyes in the general direction of the face or body. The higher up the body your eyes wander, the more success you are likely to meet, as studies have shown that conversation with a person’s feet (whether of a friend, a stranger, or a foe) will virtually always be more coldly received than conversation with someone’s neck or chin. But remember, eyes on the prize – or perhaps I should say eyes on the eyes because it’s that nifty little thing called eye contact that’ll win ya the true friendships and that might just earn ya a removal of those pesky restraining orders.
  4. Wearing clothes – Have you ever stepped outside and just immediately been assaulted by a cruel breeze that shivered your bones to the very timber? Or, conversely, maybe on a casual stroll around town, what should have been a charming and peaceful promenade spiraled into a sweaty, awkward slither of shame back home where you had to wait for all the slime to evaporate off of your sweltered bod? Fear not, there is a solution here that will shock you in its simplicity: select your clothing items according to the temperature outside! We get so caught up in using our clothes to look cool and hot, that we forget to consider whether it will be cool or hot when we step outside the door. Like Latin, weather is somewhat of a dead art, if you will, in our fashionably advanced society. However, believe it or not, an understanding of the daily weather will assist you immensely in a great many other life decisions, one being the proper wardrobe selection.
  5. Removing the orange peel before consuming – Have you sworn off oranges, convinced that those tangy lil juice pods at the core are in NO way worth the nasty discomfort of gnawing away at that thick, rubbery, bitter rind on the outside? I used to be in the same boat – until I discovered life hack #4: peel the orange rind before consuming! If you aren’t equipped with long nails or fangs, this may a bit tricky, but don’t give up hope. Any sharp tool will do, but, in my opinion, a mere butter knife does the trick quite nicely. Use this to slice off that irksome orange ride, careful not to cut too deep; if you pierce the orange pods, you may get sprayed in the eye with citrusy juice, which burns like the damn dickens. But with a little caution, you’ll be just fine – in fact, you’ll be better than fine since you’ll likely never get sick again after eating all those cold-slaying little suckers!                                                                                                                                     **Sidenote: Oranges are considered a fruit and thus will effectively cure you of Scurvy if you are plagued by the wretched, previously-addressed malady.
  6. Heating up soup – Have you ever been trapped at home during a freezing blizzard without your snow galoshes—or maybe stuck inside the house during a flood, without a canoe? There’s nothing more Debby Downer than shivering alone in the house, wondering what in the world could possibly comfort you, as you imagine all of your friends zipping around town in their various water vessels, or being buried in fluffy downpours of snow, thick as an avalanche. BUT all is not lost. The most comforting food to be eaten during those dark, cold days has been under your nose, hidden away in the dusty corners of your cabinets this whole time: soup! You’re probably wondering, “How is lukewarm, salty broth swimming with slimy veggies and tepid chicken supposed to make me feel better?” BUT BUT BUT had you read the fine, easily overlooked print on all of those Campbell’s cans, you would have discovered a delightful secret: soup is to be consumed HOT! All of those once chilly, dull ingredients, come to life with the heat, turning cool sludge into hot stew, comforting your stomach and your very soul with a steaming succulence that never fails to alleviate the rainy/blizzardy day blues. Believe me, that chicken noodle is a life changer in a can.

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7 thoughts on “Six Profound Life Hacks

  1. Very useful.I particularly like point 3 about speaking and looking in the right direction. I see people in the western world looking directly in your eyes when they speak to you. We have to start learning to do this because in my own culture it will be regarded as disrespect. Thanks for these hacks. Have a great day.

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