Identity Crisis: Wizard Born into a Muggle’s Body

Philbert McFlorence, a citizen of Oniontown, Pennsylvania, claims to have been born into the wrong body—that’s to say, that he has been born into the body of an ordinary man rather than that of a wizard, which is, tragically, the identity to which he has related since he was a young muggle boy. Immensely uncomfortable with his non-magical existence (“I’M NOT EVEN A DAMN SQUIB!”  shrieked Mr. McFlorence at a pitch that certainly defied the limits of the average muggle’s vocal range), Philbert contends that he is a “prisoner in a butterball body that betrays [him] with each impotent ‘Avada Kedavra,’ with every failed Fidelius charm.” When we asked Mr. P McFlorence why he was pointing a tiny twig at us with a trembling hand, he bellowed, “CRUCIO I’M SUCH A FAILURE CRUCIO MUDBLUD SCUM CRUCIO DON’T MOCK ME” and proceeded to aggressively poke a swirly smudge of what might have been black eyeliner on the underside of his left forearm. Whether he was itching a cancerous black mole, trying to wipe a bit of dirt off of his arm, or attempting to summon a dark wizard lord to violently murder us is, at this time, unclear, but we wish Mr. Philbert McFlo-Rida all the best and sincerely hope that his legally dubious, witch doctor muggle-to-sorcerer surgical procedure (scheduled to take place next week in Parangaricutirimicuaro, Mexico) goes “brilliantly,” as the British wizarding youth say these days.

Casey Normando


Mr. Philbert wouldn’t allow us to take a photo, so we had no choice but to paint a haunting portrait of his tormented gaze instead. Notice the vague resemblance to Mad Eye Moody



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