Tom’s To Do List: A Day in the Dark Lord’s Life

I found Mr. He Who Must Not Be Named’s to do list drifting around a Burger King parking lot and thought that I should share:LV'stodolist

  • Arise from the bottomless hellhole abyss in which I slumber and take a bubble bath prepared inside of a coffin filled with Lucius Malfoy’s tears
  • Liberally apply sunscreen to preserve smooth, milky pallor
  • Purchase pet serpent to be worn as a boa; whisper sweet Parseltongue nothings into its ear when feeling lonesome
  • Go to dry cleaner; pick up black cloak, black slacks, black hooded cloak, black wifebeater, black boxer briefs – INSTEAD OF LEAVING MONETARY TIP, SET BUILDING AFLAME AND CURSE ALL MUGGLES WITHIN VICINITY
  • Send job resume to Hogwarts again
  • Go canoeing; cool off in the infinite shadow depths of my private, inferi-infested lake
  • Slip more love potion into Bellatrix’s butterbeer
  • Take firewhiskey shots and vent about Harry Potter in my new diary (since those assholes impaled my other one with a basilisk fang)
  • Go drunken dementorback riding
  • Alternate between joyous cackling and furious shrieking to make H.P.’s scar hurt
  • Grab cocktail with Severus Snape; maintain heavy eye contact to be certain that his loyalty remains unfaltering; check that other half of the BFF bracelet remains on his wrist
  • Read another chapter of Lord of the Rings before bed (fingers crossed for my boi ♥Sauron♥)
  • Cast the Dark Mark to use as nightlight
  • Cry myself to sleep thinking about a young, bespectacled boy named Harry, the Boy Who Lived to Drive a Lord Loony

4 thoughts on “Tom’s To Do List: A Day in the Dark Lord’s Life

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