Baldness, Blindness and Burns: The Day Nature’s Elements Attacked Me


I had a lot of trouble with hot things this morning.  And, as I’m thinking about it now, it seems as though nature’s five elemental fingers of wrath were truly attempting to injure and humiliate me.  First strike: metal.  When I was straightening my hair (mah hurrrrr) this treacherous morn, my thoughts drifted away for one fatal moment and so too did a piece of my hair–violently burnt off like a sad scrap piece of straw.  That’s what you get for being a lil diva and bothering to waste time on stupid hair.

Second strike: wind.  When I was walking out of a cafe near work, tragedy struck yet again and, as I opened the door to leave, my skirt was rapidly possessed by demons and blew up wildly into my face, exposing me to the eyes of a probably unfazed venue as they have seen this happen to me on multiple occasions.  This cafe has the windiest doorway in the city, but I prioritize convenient coffee access over my dignity, so this has been an ongoing problem.  Unfortunately, my futile flailing in an awkward and ineffective attempt to maintain modesty resulted in the third strike: water.  Distracted by the warm cafe air whipping my skirt around like a depraved tornado, I forgot that noodle arms and hot liquids are a horrible, horrible combo and ended up flinging hot, HAWT green tea (cuz I’m trying to live forever) directly into my open eyes.  The woman behind me who was also attempting to leave was probably scarred for life by the sight of the blind, pantsless, screaming creature before her, but she remained stoic and, on the surface, politely disinterested.  For that, I will love her eternally.

So, I end up stepping outside screaminglaughingcryingswearing, my skirt is finally back down in its roughly proper place, and I take two steps when the woman directly in front of me enthusiastically or violently (hard to tell) throws down her cigarette, which leads me to the fourth strike: fire.  I am unsurprisingly standing in the direct line of fire (LOL amirite?) and am struck on my bare legs by the glowing, still firy hot ashes of her damn cig.  At that point, I could no longer feel pain, so it wasn’t a big deal.

Fifth strike: ???. I don’t know whether it will be wood or earth, but no trees have fallen onto me, and I haven’t been sucked into any mud pits yet, so things are looking up.


7 thoughts on “Baldness, Blindness and Burns: The Day Nature’s Elements Attacked Me

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