Hi, Mr. Voldemort–great to meet you. Now, I’ve reviewed your resume and, to be quite frank, I find you to be a highly motivated, ambitious and sociopathically charming individual. However, I’d like to ask you a few questions before making any final decisions…
First off, what was the biggest accomplishment or failure in your past work history?
Greatest accomplishment: Splitting my soul into seven parts, thereby rendering myself an invincible and all powerful lord of the magical realm. Greatest failure: Accidentally lodging a piece of my soul into a small, bespectacled infant and inadvertently murdering myself by trying for the 43rd time to kill that little piece of shit.
What is your greatest strength?
My immense intellect and mastery of the dark arts, my wand and my fair complexion.
And what would you say is your greatest weakness?
The fact that I existed as a face tucked underneath a stuttering man’s sweaty turban for a year. Also, I have a high-pitched voice and sometimes when I speak, people think that I’m doing a falsetto.
Brave of you to say. Moving on…how do you handle stress and pressure?
Generally through torture, submitting mudbloods to my will, and mass murder. I also enjoy the occasional dark mark prank call during which I summon the death eaters to me and make them apparate into awkward places like Toys R’ Us, aquatic exercise courses for senior citizens, and the stage during live performances of The Lion King. It’s the simple pleasures that truly make all the difference for a troubled man’s composure.
Unique. Describe a difficult situation and how you overcame it.
Once, as a young orphan lad, I was rather upset with my father for having abandoned me and for being a non-magical fellow. So I tracked him down and brutally killed him along with the rest of my remaining family. Felt a bit cheerier and moved forward with my dark quest for power and annihilation of the world as we know it.
*Scribbling down* Takes initiative…
Wow, alright Mr. Voldemort, could you please describe to me your perfect work environment?
A hellhole ensconced in darkness, shrouded in the most shadowy, depraved murk of my coworkers’ innermost corrupted souls, and haunted by demons of unspeakable fear and eternal madness.
What stunning thought and creativity. Could you now describe to me your ideal boss?
Loving the bold honesty. Welcome to Burger King, you’re hired.
Great, it’s been a pleasure. AVADA KEDAVRA.
…..Lord Voldemort is no more. King Voldemort has risen. Have it your way, Harry Potter. Have it your way.