WHAT IN GOD’S NAME

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On the fine eve of Halloween, I found myself hobbling around Little Japan Town–if such a place exists–in high heels that are entirely unacceptable to sport in public–let alone a law firm–with their sickly gray pavement stains, their unhinged heels which crunch and squirm with each step and the strips of leather which have begun to peel off and flutter in the wind as I stagger and lurch around town.  But anyway, all I know is that this place was a horrifying yet magical street bursting with sushi joints, restaurants with names like “Mo Mo fuk u” and shadowy, bizarre cafes offering “crackpot pies,” as well as cereal milk and compost flavored milkshakes.

Realizing that I was still hungry after feasting on “thick white noodles” with “sauce” and “rich pork bone,” my friend Tran and I ventured into a candy shop which carried some of the most wondrous delights I’ve ever seen.  But also some of the most disturbing…  The above photo is one that I found on a box of what I can only assume to be candy, but I cannot read Japanese and am left to imagine the horrors that may lie inside that box.  What kind of sick, maniacal child would be attracted to these twisted demon creatures??  With their pitch black eyes and gaping, round fish mouths that seem to fancy the idea of sucking away my soul and dreams, leaving me a forever haunted husk of a woman (and that blue monstrosity with the flower on its head seems to be enjoying the thought of the sadistic deed!)…is this demented crew meant to whet our appetites?

When I returned home later that evening, munching box after box of Pocky and Meiji Hello Pandas, the haunting image of these cartooned sickos continued to unsettle me.  It’s almost as though they are (unsuccessfully) utilizing animal costumes to camouflage themselves and to prey upon unsuspecting, partially-blind victims–because REALLY who is going to take a look at that cow guy, totally unfazed, and be like “Nothin unusual here–just a cow with an enormous udder ON TOP OF ITS HEAD.”

I don’t know what those freaky little hobgoblins think they’re playing at, but I’ll get to the bottom of this.  Mark my words.  First step: learn me some Japanese.  アディオス !

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